---

This is MY Daddy

“Dear Daddy,

I’ll always be your lil girl, oh how I miss the sweet sounds of our harmonies 🎶 when we sang together and your contiguous laugh that I can still hear in my heart. A girl needs her dad, even at 38. There’s so much we are missing out on, I have five children now since you’ve transitioned. I know you would have just adored my husband Jay; he is much like you in all the good ways. Life can be so cruel and unfair; I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I kept my family from you. I was hurting and just needed more time. After your passing, I learned time waits for nobody. It’s been 11 years today and the pain of regret is still alive as ever; I’m sorry my son never met his grandfather, he was just a young boy.

I just needed more time…

-Your loving daughter, Shayna”

---

When my father passed 9/9 11 years ago, he was living on the streets. The last time I seen my father before his transition; I shut my front door on his face. He never met my husband or my son. He wasn’t invited to my wedding. My dad made several attempts to contact me and every time, I let his call go straight to voicemail. I listened to his message he left and regret I do not have them saved as I long to hear his voice.

I needed more time. I was hurt that my dad betrayed my trust and would routinely show up drunk to my apartment. As a child I didn’t have a choice but as an adult, I had to take a stand. He did well for two years. The time he lived with me; converted as a JW to being baptized in the name of Jesus! However; bad company corrupts good morals. He ran into an old friend and from there everything unraveled. I remember my dad would routinely leave flowers at my apartment door on Van Buren Dr in Riverside. He even wrote me a poem. I was daddy’s little girl, his favorite child.

Despite my childhood, my love for my dad was always there but I knew I needed to protect my family. As a child; I was told “ if you ever marry a black man; I will disown you” that carried heavy for me when I married my husband. Yet in my heart of hearts; I knew that if my dad only got to know my husband; he would just adore him. They are a-lot alike in all the good ways. My dad wasn’t a bad man. He loved deep. His addictions and past traumas impacted his ability to be there for my mom and his children. I see that now. I’m the goodness of him. Much of who I am and what I’ve experienced has brought me to where I am and I am grateful for it all. I miss my daddy. We use to BBQ and cook together, karaoke and watch SciFi movies together

11 years and my heart still cries…. Every girl needs her daddy.- Shayna Vann 9/13/23

---